Anti-depressants...

I just took my pill, and it reminded me that I wanted to expand a little on why I take that little blue pill each morning. While it is an anti-depressant (specifically an SSRI), it was prescribed to offset the symptoms of PMDD, not to work as an anti-depressant. As my doctor explained, if it were being prescribed for depression, I'd be on 350 mg or so. Because it is being used to balance out my hormones and alleviate the PMDD symptoms, I am on 50 mg.

So... it basically just brings me back to neutral, which means that the rest of the decisions and motivations I face throughout the day are unaffected. Those are things I get to work on myself. =D

Some days when I forget to take my pill, I notice a sluggishness, but that's about it. The other day I forgot my pill (the day I started my period) and I was in full PMDD force. I felt completely out of control, thought people were out to get me, I was up, I was down, I felt panicky and like my life was spinning out from under me. Yesterday (at the end of my period) we were in a rush to get to the airport after sleeping in and I forgot to take my pill (I'd actually already packed them in this case) until I got unpacked that evening at my parents' house. I felt fine. I was productive. I used the layover time at the airport to make MK calls and get my team members set up with directors in the new towns they are moving to. I take my pill everyday because it if I don't it will take me about 2 days to have it be really effective after being off it for a while. On the days that I am PMDDish, I notice if I am a couple hours late taking it. On the days that I am out of the PMDD zone, it doesn't affect me nearly as much.

So... that's kind of the story for why I am on anti-depressants and why they don't keep me from being "depressed" even though they do help me not feel out of control and like the world is out to get me. =D

Evaluation, a couple weeks later.

I'm revisiting my rebellion list from 2 weeks ago. Let's see where I am now...

I resist getting up in the morning. (I've stopped setting my alarm clock unless there's someplace I have to be before 10 am - and oddly, I seem to be waking up around 6 a few mornings a week, so I'm just getting up whenever I wake up.)

I resist reading my Bible. (I've been reading/listening to my Bible each day. I've set a goal to go through the entire Bible this year, so I've been following a chronological plan for that and really enjoying it. The days I am up early, I enjoy having a great quiet time. The days I am not up before Eliana I have still made it a priority to at least listen to the daily reading - my phone will read it to me - and meditate on it as I get ready in the morning.)

I resist doing my daily coaching work. (I still have forgotten some days, but have not actively resisted doing the work. In fact, I have been fairly consistent at reading the scrolls, and I've been more consistent in journaling. I've been working on power sessions, and I think I'm starting to see improvement in my ability to focus on the task in front of me to get it done.)

I resist taking my pill. (I have been much better at taking my pill, and the couple times I missed it until later in the day it was not a matter of rebellion, but of forgetfulness. I am working on that morning habitual routine so I don't even have to think about it to get it done.)

I resist eating a healthy breakfast. (Breakfast has gotten much easier. Protein is a great way to start the day.)

I resist taking a shower. (Don't know that I've fought with this the last couple weeks, though I probably did a couple days and just don't remember.)

I resist emptying the dishwasher. (The dishwasher has "magically" been emptying itself lately! While my breakfast is in the toaster / microwave, I start emptying the dishwasher and find that it only takes a couple minutes. Then it's done before I even have time to think about what an awful task it is!)

I resist doing a load of laundry. (I have been MUCH better about the daily laundry the last couple weeks. The weekends throw me for a loop, so I will have to figure out how to deal with them, but I'm making progress, and even Leif noticed!)

I resist making my bed and teaching Eliana how to make hers. (Yeah, still hit and miss on mine, and totally ignoring Eliana's)

I resist doing my work early in the day. (When I get up early, especially, I get a lot done early in the day. Still hit and miss on the other days.)

I resist exercising. (Yeah, still resisting this one.)

I resist cleaning the house. (Yeah, this one still needs work, too.)

I resist planning meals. (Been doing better at meal planning this last couple weeks.)

I resist eating a healthy lunch. (I was going to say I'm doing a little better, but I think today proved that wrong. I'm still working on this.)

I resist making dinner. (I had a huge success in this area when I wanted Leif to take me out to dinner! I told him I didn't have any plans for dinner and he said he'd let me know when he was done with the project he was working on and on his way home. In the meantime, I looked around for dinner items at home and by the time he got home I had a delicious, healthy meal ready and on the table. I even had freshly baked cookies for him for dessert! It wasn't so hard after all!)

I resist making business calls. (In the last 2 days I have booked 6 appointments!)

I resist loading the dishwasher. (Been doing that all through the day lately, and all I have to do at night is run it!)

I resist putting Eliana to bed. (Still resist this. She's getting pretty good at putting herself to bed when we tell her to. I am taking the time to read her a book, though, so that's getting closer, I think... )

I resist washing my face. (Erm... still resisting this one.)

I resist picking out my clothes for the next day. (Hit and miss... tonight I put together quite a few outfits so I could have things pre-assembled to choose from. Also helped Ellie pick out her clothes for the week so it's not a battle when we have to get out of the house in the morning.)

I resist going to bed at a decent time. (Again with the hit and miss. I've been managing to get to bed by 11 most nights, and that has actually been good. I'd like to be a little more consistent, though, as I think it would help the next day go better.)

Tracking... Day 2

I'm not calorie counting.

I'm not food pyramiding.

I'm not obsessing.

But I am tracking my food on SparkPeople again. Having to write down what I ate makes me think twice before I put something in my mouth, and that is good. It helps me make better decisions, I think.

I started today out strong. There was some turkey sausage, egg white, tea, and grapefruit juice. Then there was running errands after church, and to keep from eating unhealthy food out, I waited until I got home after 2:00 to eat lunch. Bad move. I was so hungry I reached for a bowl of cereal (a relatively healthy pumpkin/flax granola, but I grabbed a big bowl, of course...) and chowed down. I had a pudding cup then, too.

Then I had another pudding cup.

And another.

And another, because those things are so small, you know!

Yeah, I wouldn't call that a good plan. I didn't plan my meals today, and I can tell!

At day's end, though, I still didn't end up with too many calories, though I was tempted just to call today a wash and not enter my lunch and dinner into SP. But I am working on disciplining myself this year, and entering food when I don't want to seems to be part of self-discipline. So I did it. =D

So... 2 days into the new year, 2 days tracked on SparkPeople, and 2 days between 1200-1300 calories.

I'm headed to Texas on Friday for a little over 2 weeks, so we'll have to see what happens while I'm gone. My plan when I get back is to join The Ridge and start working out early mornings, and weighing myself there so I can get a consistent measurement. Right now our scale is packed away, so even if I wanted to use it I couldn't. So... for the time being I'm just going to practice making good (or, um, at least disciplining myself to record the not-so-good) choices when it comes to food.

Today is a day for watchfulnes...

1 Peter 5:8-9 ()
8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. #Bible http://j.mp/gCSvDz

Wrapping up another year...

Well, I looked back at where I was a year ago...

My word for the year was OVERCOME.

I wanted to lose 30 lbs.

Here I am just about a year later, and I'm pretty sure I have more than 30 lbs to lose now. Hmmm... That didn't work like I'd hoped, did it?

I did overcome a lot of things this past year, like hormone issues, some scheduling / overcommitment issues, and some other things I can't think of at this particular moment. But when it comes to a lot of the areas I struggle with, I'm learning that overcoming isn't as big if it isn't accompanied by discipline. So this year my word for the year is...

DISCIPLINE

It's a word that's been on my heart and mind for a while now. And, I've been making progress toward it. Waking up, getting up, spending time in the Word, reading / listening to the scrolls, doing my 6 MIT each day. Of course, making progress is not the same as mastering, so I still have a LONG way to go. I'm hoping 2011 is the year of discipline.

I found a few definitions for discipline that I particularly like in light of choosing this word for 2011. They are:

1. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill.

2. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.

3. orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior

So, I suppose the question is... for definition #1, what is the skill I want to develop or improve? I've tried making it about the weight, and that obviously isn't working for me. So what do I REALLY want to improve? What behaviors and patterns of behavior do I want to see in my life?

When it comes to food, I find myself making poor choices, often as a result of unbalanced emotions. I buy things because they sound good (and are on sale! So of course, I have to buy 5 of them...) and then eat them because they're there. Really, I tend to eat things because they're there. So perhaps one skill I want to work on this year is discipline in my shopping habits.

1. DISCIPLINE in my shopping habits.

But how do I do that? Well, I suppose first off is by keeping and FOLLOWING a grocery list. And creating some rules. If it's not on the list, don't buy it. I can add it to the list when I get home if I want, but I have to wait until the next time I go to the store to buy it. I suppose another area in which I ought to discipline my shopping habits is to follow a budget.

Once I've got items in my house that are generally acceptable to eat (and not just the result of a buying binge), I need to ask myself why I am eating. Is it because I need to? Is it because I'm stressed? Is it because I'm craving something?

2. DISCIPLINE myself to think before I act.

This is going to be a hard one. I think thinking before I eat includes planning meals. I've been doing this, and it definitely helps, but only if I actually start dinner earlier in the day. If I wait until dinner time to start dinner I just snack on junk. So one rule I could implement is... Plan the meal before I eat it. Decide ahead of time what I am going to have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Thinking my day through will help.

3. DISCIPLINE myself to enjoy the food I'm eating.

I think one of the reasons I eat as much as I do is that I am not actually thinking about and enjoying the food I'm eating. I'm thinking about other things, or watching TV, or trying to eat and do something else at the same time. If I actually sit down and enjoy the food I'm eating, perhaps I wouldn't want more when I was finished eating. Perhaps the code of conduct I ought to follow is... Enjoy what I've been given.

Okay. That gives me 3 things to strive for. Discipline in my shopping, thinking, and focus, especially where it concerns food.

Rebellion and Structure...

Why do I rebel against structure? This is a constant struggle for me and I find myself frustrated by it. I know that self-discipline and structure will help me achieve my goals, so why do I resist so much? It affects my every day... how much I get accomplished, how much sleep I get, how healthy I am, how well I parent... Everything! My day is full of resistance...

I resist getting up in the morning.

I resist reading my Bible.

I resist doing my daily coaching work.

I resist taking my pill.

I resist eating a healthy breakfast.

I resist taking a shower.

I resist emptying the dishwasher.

I resist doing a load of laundry.

I resist making my bed and teaching Eliana how to make hers.

I resist doing my work early in the day.

I resist exercising.

I resist cleaning the house.

I resist planning meals.

I resist eating a healthy lunch.

I resist making dinner.

I resist making business calls.

I resist loading the dishwasher.

I resist putting Eliana to bed.

I resist washing my face.

I resist picking out my clothes for the next day.

I resist going to bed at a decent time.

The truth is that with a little routine, a little structure, and a little self-discipline, my life would run a WHOLE lot smoother. And yet I can't seem to be able to do it. It can't be THAT hard, can it? What is my issue?

I have learned that my schedule has to be flexible. I don't get up at the same time every day, nor do I have the same schedule every day. So I don't expect myself to adhere to a strict timeline each day, but is it so hard to get things done early in the day so my house is not a mess and I am taken care of? What if I...

Woke up

Read my coaching reading

Read my Bible

Took my pill

Got up

Made my bed

Took a shower

Got ready

Started a load of laundry

Ate breakfast (a healthy breakfast)

Emptied the dishwasher

Moved laundry to the dryer

Started dinner (or at least got things thawing / crock pot / set out)

Ate lunch

Read my coaching reading

Read my Bible

Exercised

Worked

Spent time with Eliana

Made dinner

Cleaned up dinner and loaded the dishwasher

Made business calls

Put Eliana to bed

Washed my face

Put out my clothes for tomorrow

Got into bed

Read my coaching reading

Read my Bible

Went to sleep

Would that really be so difficult?

And what about what I am putting into my body? I have gotten into an awful habit of eating out fast food lately. I make poor choices at home. I don't plan ahead. I don't plan meals. I have not been eating well and it makes me feel sluggish and unattractive. What would happen if I...

Stopped watching TV?

Walked / Exercised 30 minutes a day?

Cut artificial sweetener out of my diet?

Cut white sugar out of my diet?

Ate more whole foods?

Ate more fruits and vegetables?

Took my vitamins?

Drank water?

Planned my meals?

Stopped eating impulsively?

Would I lose weight? Probably. Would I feel better? Definitely. So why don't I? Good question...

These are the things I'm pondering today.

*ahem*

Today, I begin a new day.

Today I can choose to form new habits or conform to the old ones. Today I can make better choices than yesterday. Today I can start anew, if I choose to.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

I will choose to love not only those around me, but I will choose to love myself. My thoughts will be loving thoughts, my self corrections loving ones. I will love myself by the foods I put into my body, the effort I expend with my body, and the time I take to care for what God has given me.

I will live this day as my last.

I will live this day as if it were the only day, forgetting what has passed, ignoring what may come. I will not kick myself for what I ate yesterday, for I cannot change that now. I will not worry about whether I will be able to maintain my new habits tomorrow, for who knows what tomorrow will bring? I cannot change tomorrow today, nor can I change yesterday. The only day I can change is the one I am living now, so I will make choices today worthy of being the last choices I ever make.

I am doing some life coaching these days, and one of the things we are doing is reading the scrolls by Og Mandino. While they are not scriptural, there are some very good bits of truth in them, ones that support what scripture has to say and help me keep perspective on things.

I am not "dieting" right now. To update you on what is going on in our little world, we are moving out of our house somewhat unexpectedly in 8 days. We are still in the process of looking for a new place to live (hoping that one lead in particular pans out) and packing and all that fun stuff. On top of that, I have 2 Holiday Shows for Mary Kay this week (tomorrow and Thursday nights) that are keeping me busy. I am having to rethink my holiday season, since I had several open houses at my house planned in the next few weeks - not any more! There are a lot of things going on beyond those, too, but those are just the big things. =D

SO... I am not concentrating on exercise or calorie counting right now. BUT I am choosing to live today as my last, greet the day with love in my heart, and begin a new day today. And those things are going to help me make better choices when it comes to idleness and food intake.

This morning for breakfast I chose to eat cut up strawberries and apples, bathed in vanilla yogurt, sprinkled with some pumkin-flax seed granola. It was delicious! Filling! and not too bad for me! ;)