*frown*

I am frustrated with my weight. I don't like thinking about it. I want to do something about it, but I am sure that I am going to fail. Again. And then I am reminded that I shouldn't be working on losing weight for Leif or myself or my daughter, but for the Lord. And then I wonder why my weight matters to the Lord. I realize that it's not the weight that matters to Him, but whether or not I am healthy enough to do what He asks me to do, no matter what that is. I know that my weight is related to my health, but it is frustrating. Sometimes I just want to scream and then cry and give up before I've begun. But when has giving up ever been glorifying to God? Doesn't He ask us to run with perseverance the race before us?

SIGH.

I suppose it's time I put my running shoes on. I don't want to. But it wouldn't be the first time I worked with perseverance toward something I didn't want to do.

I have some underlying issues that are beginning to surface that I know I will need to deal with if I am ever going to make progress in this area. I have a feeling I am ready to deal with them, but that the dealing won't necessarily be easy, so I will be looking for support.

What if my weight issues aren't related to calories so much as they are related to how much I pay attention to what is going into my mouth and why? What if I don't have to count every calorie and calculate every point? Would I succeed long term if I simply changed my habits? If I learned to downsize my portions and adopt healthier lifestyle choices? What if Eliana and I walked to school, went iceskating more, danced around the house together, and played more active games? What if instead of making cookies together we made dinner together? What if I walked to the mailbox instead of picking up the mail when I drove by? What if I walked on the treadmill when making calls like I have done and enjoyed before?

It looks like I have some things to think about and work on. Year after year I feel like I want to change things, and it doesn't happen. How do I make it different this year?

The Goal

The goal is being my healthiest for the glory of God. I am His vessel, to be used as He chooses, and I am to be prepared for whatever He calls me to do - that includes being healthy enough to do His will when and where He calls me to do something.

Coffee Date

Had a coffee date with a friend today at Weebees. She suggested we walk there from my house, so we did. It was fun! I'm calling that my exercise for today... 2 miles of speed walking. Sounds good to me!

Body Attack

At the suggestion of a friend of mine, I attended a Body Attack class at The Ridge this morning. It was 55 minutes of high energy butt-kicking, but it was FUN! I would like to attend every Saturday morning. That would be fun! I definitely am out of shape, but that was a good way to burn 500+ calories! Here's a video I found that gives a good idea of what Body Attack is like...

One of the things that I liked is that you keep moving ALL class long, even if you are out of breath. They have variations on the moves so you can do them no matter what. Just keep moving! Definitely not as scary as I thought it was going to be for a beginner. I'd go back!

Didn't make it....

I had coughing fits all day yesterday any time I exerted myself at all, so I decided not to go to the step class @ the gym. This cold is kicking my rear. I'm off to Chico for the MK retreat this weekend, so hopefully I'll be able to hit the gym when I return.

I called to cancel my gym membership today...

... I haven't used it in 2 months. Not since I went to Texas in July, so probably closer to 3 months. Turns out I'm locked in until February. So... I'll be heading to the gym in the morning. I'll walk Eliana to school, then head to the gym for a 9am step class. We'll see how it goes. =D

Fighting...

I feel myself fighting these days. I'm tired of fighting with my weight. I'm tired of fighting with myself. I'm kind of just tired. I have started taking vitamins again, in hopes that my energy levels will return. Is it just the change of season that's getting me down? Is it the sun setting earlier? Is it the sudden start of school that has me up and doing more every day? I don't know. But I know that Leif took Eliana to school today and it is 9:40 and I haven't gotten dressed yet or really even left my room. I should probably do something about that, but I'm not sure that I want to.

Today's list includes cleaning the house so we can show it to friends who are coming over for dinner. I'd like to get some laundry and calls done, too.

Made it to the gym...

Not until 8 this morning, but I made it! 22 minutes into my cardio right now.... busy day today! Lots of calls, so hopefully I can make some of them from the treadmill at home and get more cardio in, too!

down 10 lbs so far

data, originally uploaded by elizabethwickland.

Starting my day off right!

I went to the gym this morning. 

I got up at 5am, when my alarm went off.

I got on the scale (and saw the highest number I've seen since I was pregnant with Eliana - and even then it's getting close)

I did 35 minutes of cardio.

I stretched.

I made a protein shake for breakfast (strawberries and chocolate protein powder).

I am about to get ready for the day.

Today is going to be a good day!

At the gym this morning!

I am at the gym this morning! Not the most strenuous workout, but here I am! I tried a new alarm clock app on my phone this morning and it seems to help get me out of bed and going. It allows me to type a custom message to be read overtop whatever alarm/music sound I want. Mine has energetic music and tells me that it's time to go to the gym, that I want to form good habits and become a woman of discipline. :) It was great! The only downside is that it gave me the option to do a math problem before I was allowed to turn the alarm off and the math problem was complicated enough I had to wander downstairs and find a calculator before I could turn it off! I think I will change that setting before tomorrow!

Today is a new day and I am starting it with a workout, scripture, and one of the scrolls. Now back home to finish up unpacking and setting up the craft room before my day gets underway!

I'm Here!

Busy, busy, busy... we move into the new house next Saturday!! Hooray!! DIQ is going along, mostly just making me work my business more and more! I have 6 parties on the books in the next couple weeks or so and I had a $600+ day today... not too bad right now! But it is keeping me busy, and I am working on trying to keep my priorities in line. Facebook and Blogging have definitely gone waaaaaay down.

The scale this morning put me at 144 even. Better than last week, that's for sure!

I have been making it to the gym 3-4 times a week, doing weights, cardio, and swimming. It's coming along, one day at a time!!

Routine

I am working on my routine, but I am pretty sure that crazy busy IS my new norm, at least for the next couple months. I am in DIQ and we are moving into our house in 3 weeks. Ellie's in preschool 3 mornings a week and I still kidswap with Amber on Tuesday Thursday. So I have some external schedule to help with my routine!

I have been making it to the gym about 3-4 mornings a week, often working out with Erika Grinder. I am loving the routine, now just to work on the discipline to make it habit!

Crazy busy lately

And I'm still working on getting my daily schedule down. It's getting better, but not perfect. I'm blogging from the locker room @ the Ridge before my workout this morning since I have not spent a whole lot of time on the computer lately.

I weighed in this morning @ 146.8, clothes, shoes, and all on the gym scale. That's my new starting weight.

Okay... off to workout now. :)

Update...

Okay... finally sitting down to do an update! Let's see...

Food has been good. I have been eating moderately, though not recording as much as I should. I would like to get back to recording as I think it helps me combat the late afternoon munchies and I have succumbed to them in the last couple days.

Exercise... I joined the Ridge this week. I took Eliana swimming on Wednesday, then Thursday and Friday got up and was at the gym before 6am to work out. I met with a trainer and she is coming up with a specialized workout plan for me to help me lose 20 lbs by the middle of May.

Schedule - I am developing a schedule that works well for us and really focusing on my personal discipline. I have a lot of work to do, but am pleased with my progress this first week.

I have had to change my weight because I am now weighing fully clothed, including shoes, at the gym in the morning.

I am planning to work out at 5:15 M-F. That's my goal. =D One day at a time!!

Conference...

I am back from the conference and I'd like to say that I survived the food. We ate out at restaurants for dinner or lunch 4 of the 5 days. Sometimes both.

When I returned home, I weighed myself and found that I weighed .2 lbs less than when I left. I survived! I thoroghly enjoyed the meals and I chose wisely. I even had dessert 4 times. The 4 lbs of "water weight" I lost before I went are still gone!

We head home to Bozeman tomorrow . 

Leadership Conference...

Here I am at Leadership in Houston and already we've eaten out twice. I am happy to say that I am making good choices and thoroughly enjoying my food - and staying within my allotted calories so far! We are doing plenty of walking, so I am counting that as exercise and calling it good.

I stopped in to the little cafe downstairs and picked up lunch for the morning to avoid eating out... yogurt, raisin bran, and a banana. Not a whole lot of protein there, but not a bad start to my day.

I am tracking calories on SparkPeople, even if I am not so consistent in posting here. Right now I am having a hard time sleeping (it's almost 3 am! I will be up in 4 hours) so I figured I might as well post an update since the shut-eye isn't happening.

One of the things I am committing to this year is discipline, and specifically for 90 days. I am pretty sure this will include my eating and exercise habits, so I am excited about the progress! I'll keep you posted...

Weigh in

I weighed in this morning... 4 lbs down!! I realize it's probably water weight, but I'll take it!!

I exercised yesterday for about 20 minutes. Some dancing, some hula hoop, some pilates and yoga. I still haven't gotten my workout in before breakfast, but at least I have done some moving.

I ended yesterday in the 1200-1300 calorie range, right where I like to be.

I leave for leadership tomorrow, and I have no idea what the food situation will be like, so I will just have to record and do my best.

Okay... off to start my day!!

Exercise

Today I recorded my food. I ended the day at just over 1300 calories. Not bad, considering it was my dad's birthday, so we ate out and had cake.

More importantly, today I EXERCISED. 20 minutes on the elliptical machine this evening. 200 calories burned. It felt both good and exhausting to exercise. I really need to do that more! Ideally, I will exercise first thing in the morning, but today, I am just happy to get exercise in. It is a process, this building of habits that I am doing.

Tomorrow, I will record my food and I will exercise.

Recording....

Today I recorded my food. Calories were fine. I came in around 1250 calories, and ended up in the right range for most of the categories. I was a little low on protein, but that's fine. I'll work on fine-tuning as I go. I was especially proud of the choices I made today while going out to eat for lunch at Cheddar's. I ordered edamame and a cup of chicken tortilla soup. Not only was it delicious, but it kept me pretty full for most of the afternoon. I did need a snack around 3, but that is par for my life.

So... today, I weighed. Today I recorded my food. Tomorrow... exercise. I can do this.

Belly Fat

I have belly fat. It's not really a secret, especially for anyone who has met me in person. But it is something I don't like to think about, talk about, or, apparently, do anything about. You can't do anything to target fat in a specific area of the body, but it's the thing I like least about myself. If there's one thing I could change about my body, my belly would be it. After I had Eliana, everything went downhill (literally!) and I have been discouraged about it since.

One of Dr. Oz's resources has a few recommendations for reducing belly fat and, once again, they don't seem all that hokey. Hmm... am I noticing a theme? Here are the suggestions (and reasons behind them)...

1. Reduce refined sugar intake. - Insulin tells your body to store fat, and when your insulin levels are high (like when they are dealing with refined sugar) they tell your body to store more fat. By lowering your refined sugar intake, you allow the insulin levels to fall and your glucagon (what he calls a "fat-releasing" hormone) to rise.

2. Strengthen the legs and butt. - Your legs and behind have the largest muscles in your body, and are going to burn the most calories when they are strengthened. Not only that, but by having stronger legs and butt, they are going to do more work as you go about your every day, making all of the movement you do in a day more effective.

3. Do 20 minutes of cardio in the morning before you eat breakfast. - This will prime your body and tell it to pull fat from the stored fat in your body as opposed to the meal you just ate.

So those are the 3 things that Dr. Oz recommends for getting rid of belly fat. You can also do exercises to strengthen your core, but unless you get rid of the fat around your middle, you won't actually see any change in your midsection. My plan for working my abs is to get back into Aerial Dance in February.

That's not good...

I stepped on the scale this morning. I was off on my weight. By quite a bit. That's not good. My BMI is actually 28.7. It looks like I have some work to do. And by some, I mean a lot of work to do.

I would love to lose 40 lbs by May. I don't think that's feasible.

I think 20 lbs by May is much more realistic, though still a challenge.

If I go with 11% of my body weight, that's 16.17 lbs. Dang. That's a lot of poundage.

I am officially at my biggest weight ever, save when I was very close to giving birth to Eliana. Even then, only by a few (less than 10) lbs.

My life has GOT to stop revolving around food. It CANNOT be my source of comfort, my emotional stability, or my celebration. It is very difficult for me, though, to keep the pendulum from swinging the opposite way and depriving myself of food and the enjoyment of food. How do I keep in perspective the idea of "food for the body, not the body for food"? I don't know.

Step one, though, today, is to record what I eat. Start gaining a realistic look at what I am consuming on a daily basis. That's my goal for today: Record what I eat. All of it.

Step 1: BMI - DONE
Step 2: Record Food - TODAY

Sleep...

One of the things that the Dr. Oz show talked about is getting at least 7 hours of sleep each night. That's something I want to work toward. If I want to get up at 6, I need to be asleep by 11, which means being in bed by 10:30. If I want to get up at 5, it's 10 and 9:30. If I'm not getting up until 7, it's midnight and 11:30.

Those seem reasonable to me, now I just have to work at not piddling around before bed and actually getting there on time.

Pitfall: Prepackaged foods for Eliana

I purchase prepackaged foods for Eliana partly because it is easy to grab on the go, have on hand for times I need a milk-free snack for her, and because until we move into our new house I do not have bento / lunch supplies on hand.

So.... I am working to re-think what I buy for prepackaged food for Eliana. What specific foods do I fall prey to?

Instead of buying her FRUIT SNACKS I am going to buy her DEHYDRATED FRUIT SLICES.
Instead of buying her OREO COOKIES I am going to buy her ANIMAL CRACKERS or sometime similar that doesn't tempt me.

Those are the two that come to mind right now and are perpetual downfalls. So... replace one with the other. That's my first step.

Food...

I watched a segment on Dr. Oz today with my mom and, while I don't actually like Dr. Oz or his show, found some of what he had to say interesting. He was promoting his 11 Weeks to Weigh Loss in 2011 plan. It is basically composed of 3 steps:

1. Calculate your BMI (mine is, by my best guess on my weight right now - I'll weigh in the morning, 26.75)
2. Record your food in a food log - everything you put in your mouth (I am planning to use Spark People for this)
3. Exercise 30 minutes per day

Now, that doesn't seem too hokey, so I thought I'd see what else he had to say on the subject. There was a section on eating for your body type, and since I couldn't figure out if I am a "belly-fat" person or an "all-over-fat" person, I simply combined the suggestions for both. They seemed complimentary, so I don't see a problem with that. Here is what was suggested:

• Concentrate on a diet high in monounsaturated fats (MUFAs) such as... olive oil, peanut oil, avocados, nuts, and seeds
  
• Eat whole grains
• Eat plenty of fiber
• Cut carbs in half and double vegetables
• Replace sugary snacks with fruit
• Do 30 minutes of cardio first thing in the morning

Those sound like good suggestions to me, so we'll see how they go. I am planning to weigh myself in the morning to get an accurate BMI, but I'm guessing I am between 135 and 140.

I am trying to figure out what my pitfalls are so that I can see them coming and avoid them... one is having pre-packaged foods for Eliana on hand. I tend to munch on them when they are around.

If I am going to go for 300 calorie meals and a couple 100-200 calorie snacks, I need to make sure that I have a plan in place. That's what I'm working on.

Anti-depressants...

I just took my pill, and it reminded me that I wanted to expand a little on why I take that little blue pill each morning. While it is an anti-depressant (specifically an SSRI), it was prescribed to offset the symptoms of PMDD, not to work as an anti-depressant. As my doctor explained, if it were being prescribed for depression, I'd be on 350 mg or so. Because it is being used to balance out my hormones and alleviate the PMDD symptoms, I am on 50 mg.

So... it basically just brings me back to neutral, which means that the rest of the decisions and motivations I face throughout the day are unaffected. Those are things I get to work on myself. =D

Some days when I forget to take my pill, I notice a sluggishness, but that's about it. The other day I forgot my pill (the day I started my period) and I was in full PMDD force. I felt completely out of control, thought people were out to get me, I was up, I was down, I felt panicky and like my life was spinning out from under me. Yesterday (at the end of my period) we were in a rush to get to the airport after sleeping in and I forgot to take my pill (I'd actually already packed them in this case) until I got unpacked that evening at my parents' house. I felt fine. I was productive. I used the layover time at the airport to make MK calls and get my team members set up with directors in the new towns they are moving to. I take my pill everyday because it if I don't it will take me about 2 days to have it be really effective after being off it for a while. On the days that I am PMDDish, I notice if I am a couple hours late taking it. On the days that I am out of the PMDD zone, it doesn't affect me nearly as much.

So... that's kind of the story for why I am on anti-depressants and why they don't keep me from being "depressed" even though they do help me not feel out of control and like the world is out to get me. =D

Evaluation, a couple weeks later.

I'm revisiting my rebellion list from 2 weeks ago. Let's see where I am now...

I resist getting up in the morning. (I've stopped setting my alarm clock unless there's someplace I have to be before 10 am - and oddly, I seem to be waking up around 6 a few mornings a week, so I'm just getting up whenever I wake up.)

I resist reading my Bible. (I've been reading/listening to my Bible each day. I've set a goal to go through the entire Bible this year, so I've been following a chronological plan for that and really enjoying it. The days I am up early, I enjoy having a great quiet time. The days I am not up before Eliana I have still made it a priority to at least listen to the daily reading - my phone will read it to me - and meditate on it as I get ready in the morning.)

I resist doing my daily coaching work. (I still have forgotten some days, but have not actively resisted doing the work. In fact, I have been fairly consistent at reading the scrolls, and I've been more consistent in journaling. I've been working on power sessions, and I think I'm starting to see improvement in my ability to focus on the task in front of me to get it done.)

I resist taking my pill. (I have been much better at taking my pill, and the couple times I missed it until later in the day it was not a matter of rebellion, but of forgetfulness. I am working on that morning habitual routine so I don't even have to think about it to get it done.)

I resist eating a healthy breakfast. (Breakfast has gotten much easier. Protein is a great way to start the day.)

I resist taking a shower. (Don't know that I've fought with this the last couple weeks, though I probably did a couple days and just don't remember.)

I resist emptying the dishwasher. (The dishwasher has "magically" been emptying itself lately! While my breakfast is in the toaster / microwave, I start emptying the dishwasher and find that it only takes a couple minutes. Then it's done before I even have time to think about what an awful task it is!)

I resist doing a load of laundry. (I have been MUCH better about the daily laundry the last couple weeks. The weekends throw me for a loop, so I will have to figure out how to deal with them, but I'm making progress, and even Leif noticed!)

I resist making my bed and teaching Eliana how to make hers. (Yeah, still hit and miss on mine, and totally ignoring Eliana's)

I resist doing my work early in the day. (When I get up early, especially, I get a lot done early in the day. Still hit and miss on the other days.)

I resist exercising. (Yeah, still resisting this one.)

I resist cleaning the house. (Yeah, this one still needs work, too.)

I resist planning meals. (Been doing better at meal planning this last couple weeks.)

I resist eating a healthy lunch. (I was going to say I'm doing a little better, but I think today proved that wrong. I'm still working on this.)

I resist making dinner. (I had a huge success in this area when I wanted Leif to take me out to dinner! I told him I didn't have any plans for dinner and he said he'd let me know when he was done with the project he was working on and on his way home. In the meantime, I looked around for dinner items at home and by the time he got home I had a delicious, healthy meal ready and on the table. I even had freshly baked cookies for him for dessert! It wasn't so hard after all!)

I resist making business calls. (In the last 2 days I have booked 6 appointments!)

I resist loading the dishwasher. (Been doing that all through the day lately, and all I have to do at night is run it!)

I resist putting Eliana to bed. (Still resist this. She's getting pretty good at putting herself to bed when we tell her to. I am taking the time to read her a book, though, so that's getting closer, I think... )

I resist washing my face. (Erm... still resisting this one.)

I resist picking out my clothes for the next day. (Hit and miss... tonight I put together quite a few outfits so I could have things pre-assembled to choose from. Also helped Ellie pick out her clothes for the week so it's not a battle when we have to get out of the house in the morning.)

I resist going to bed at a decent time. (Again with the hit and miss. I've been managing to get to bed by 11 most nights, and that has actually been good. I'd like to be a little more consistent, though, as I think it would help the next day go better.)

Tracking... Day 2

I'm not calorie counting.

I'm not food pyramiding.

I'm not obsessing.

But I am tracking my food on SparkPeople again. Having to write down what I ate makes me think twice before I put something in my mouth, and that is good. It helps me make better decisions, I think.

I started today out strong. There was some turkey sausage, egg white, tea, and grapefruit juice. Then there was running errands after church, and to keep from eating unhealthy food out, I waited until I got home after 2:00 to eat lunch. Bad move. I was so hungry I reached for a bowl of cereal (a relatively healthy pumpkin/flax granola, but I grabbed a big bowl, of course...) and chowed down. I had a pudding cup then, too.

Then I had another pudding cup.

And another.

And another, because those things are so small, you know!

Yeah, I wouldn't call that a good plan. I didn't plan my meals today, and I can tell!

At day's end, though, I still didn't end up with too many calories, though I was tempted just to call today a wash and not enter my lunch and dinner into SP. But I am working on disciplining myself this year, and entering food when I don't want to seems to be part of self-discipline. So I did it. =D

So... 2 days into the new year, 2 days tracked on SparkPeople, and 2 days between 1200-1300 calories.

I'm headed to Texas on Friday for a little over 2 weeks, so we'll have to see what happens while I'm gone. My plan when I get back is to join The Ridge and start working out early mornings, and weighing myself there so I can get a consistent measurement. Right now our scale is packed away, so even if I wanted to use it I couldn't. So... for the time being I'm just going to practice making good (or, um, at least disciplining myself to record the not-so-good) choices when it comes to food.

Today is a day for watchfulnes...

1 Peter 5:8-9 ()
8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. #Bible http://j.mp/gCSvDz