Valentine's Day

WARNING: Not the happiest post ever. I have some fears, negative thoughts that surface in certain situations, and so I'm going to record them here. Just so you know.

I should be happy that I got flowers on Valentine's Day. No, I AM happy that I got flowers on Valentine's Day. But what I really want is BEAUTIFUL flowers from my husband today, to remind me that he thinks I'm beautiful. Except that he doesn't, and I know that. I'm thankful that he includes out daughter in picking out gifts for me. But when I see the flowers that my 5 year old picked out and my husband gave me, it just reminds me, once again, that I am overweight and too big to be beautiful in his eyes. Perhaps if I were smaller he would think I was pretty. No, I KNOW that if I were smaller he would think I was pretty.

So, Valentine's Day is hard for me. People think that if you have a spouse, or someone to love, then Valentine's Day is a beautiful thing. And, in some ways it is. I have a beautiful daughter and a husband who LOVES me. I have no doubt that he loves me. But today is a reminder that he doesn't think I'm pretty and it's because I'm overweight. And that is hard to deal with. Sometimes it makes me want to stuff my face with food. Today it makes me want to starve myself. Neither is a healthy option. I hate that the healthy option is to feed my body what it needs, and starve the cravings and emotional wants. I just want to be free from this battle! But I'm not. So I can keep fighting, or I can surrender. If I surrender, I will never be beautiful. I will never get roses. I will never be seen as pretty by the man I love. So... I keep fighting. Sometimes I lose a skirmish here and there, but in the end I hope to win the battle.

Not the best week ever...

I don't know if it was stress, or starting to get sick, or laziness, or what, but this was not the best week for me. Monday and Tuesday were fine. Wednesday was a bad day of giving in to lots of tempting foods, and even making bad food decisions just because. Not good. Thursday and Friday were spent trying to recover from that day, and finding it hard to not give in. Saturday wasn't too bad, but I haven't been recording my food.

Today I weighed myself and, surprise, surprise, found my weight up. 147.6

I am choosing to record my food today.

The good news:

* We are going skiing today as a family!

* I actually FIT into my ski pants that I couldn't wear a month ago!! (Mind you, I'm not drinking anything while we ski, because if I have to go to the bathroom I'm not sure I'll get them off and then on again! LOL!)

* I did 2 days of my C25K workout this week! Yesterday I was going to do the 3rd, but spent the whole day in bed trying to rest up and get rid of this head cold that is making me miserable.

* This head cold is not going to keep me from skiing with my family today, though I will be paying for it tomorrow.

C25K day 1!!

Today I did the C25K week 1 day 1 workout! I am proud of myself for doing it, and amazed that it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be! Yay!!

In other news, I weighed in at 145.8 again today! Officially 6 lbs lost! Woot!

Today a NEW LOW!

According to my scale, I have now lost 6 lbs since the beginning of January. WOOOHOOO! That is very exciting! I am hoping to get down to 10 lbs lost by the end of February, keeping with my 5 lbs a month goal.

Today I had Slimfast for breakfast, and then after church Leif's parents wanted to take us out to eat. They took us to the Panda Buffet. I was cautious about what I chose, and ate much less than I normally would have. I had some fried rice, a couple sweet and sour chicken bits, a tiny bit of honey chicken, etc. I chose "tastes" of things rather than "servings" of things. I didn't have ice cream or dessert, and instead chose fruit and a little tapioca pudding for dessert. To keep myself honest, though, I did keep track of approximate measurements of what I was eating, and I did write them down. Then, after the meal I entered them into my program, just to see where I was for the day.

OY!

Who knew that you could eat 1,000 calories in a single meal when you were being CAUTIOUS!? How many calories did I consume all of the other times I've eaten at a Chinese buffet?? It's sort of horrifying to think!

I'm not kicking myself, or pouting about the calories. If I want to eat more in my day, I just need to exercise more. But it was a shock to see just how many calories could be consumed without even trying. It was nice to eat out with family. It was nice to enjoy the food. But it was also nice to recognize the impact that that sort of meal can have if I am not careful. Today I am wiser!!

And I may have the tiniest dinner ever. LOL!

Update....

I figured out how to change my starting weight on My Fitness Pal! It is now an accurate loss on my badge on the site as well as on the ticker on the side of my blog! ------------------------------------->


Woohooooo!

Couch to 5K...

I have been thinking about the C25K program again. I ran a 5K a few years ago. I used this program to get me there. If I want to make a lasting change to my life, I have to find a way to exercise that I can do anywhere and love long term. I want to try running. I don't know if I will ever love it, but it is something that I will be able to do anywhere, without any equipment other than shoes, and that will help me build a routine to keep up a healthy lifestyle. It's something I can do with friends, or Leif, if I choose and I can challenge myself with it by entering local fun or competitive runs. 

There's another reason I want to start running, and it doesn't have to do with my physical health. It does, however, have to do with my spiritual health. As I think about what it means to run with perseverance the race before us, I realize that I have never really run with perseverance. I don't know in practical terms what that means. And I will never know unless I actually try to run with perseverance. I don't think I can run with perseverance if I don't start running, so the most practical way it seems for me to start is through something like this. 

So I want to run the C25K program. 30 minutes, 3 times a week. I can do that. I can especially do that with some accountability and a lot of prayer. So please, hold me accountable. Ask me how I'm doing. Ask me how my running is going. And above all, pray for me. Because this is not just about my physical health but also my spiritual health, I am guessing it might require more than just willpower. I am expecting some opposition. But I am resolving that, even with opposition, even when the going gets tough, even when it hurts, or is inconvenient, I am going to do this. Because I was made for more than couch-potato-dom. 

So here's what it looks like. Next week I start running. Ideally, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but 3 times, whenever it is. The workout looks like this....

Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.


I like to finish with a 5 minute cool down, for a total of 30 minutes. 


Right now I'm walking on the treadmill for 45 minutes. I have about 5 minutes left. I have been walking 2 mph, but today I upped it to 2.5... I'm hoping to make it up to 3 mph as my brisk walking rate. That's what I'm working toward.

Every day, little by little, I can reach my goals.

I am kind of sad that I told myfitnesspal.com that my starting weight was 148.8, since now it only shows that I have lost 2 lbs instead of 5. However, I am not going to get discouraged about that, and instead celebrate that I am showing a loss since I started using myfitnesspal! 2 lbs lost!! Whoohoo!