WARNING: Not the happiest post ever. I have some fears, negative thoughts that surface in certain situations, and so I'm going to record them here. Just so you know.
I should be happy that I got flowers on Valentine's Day. No, I AM happy that I got flowers on Valentine's Day. But what I really want is BEAUTIFUL flowers from my husband today, to remind me that he thinks I'm beautiful. Except that he doesn't, and I know that. I'm thankful that he includes out daughter in picking out gifts for me. But when I see the flowers that my 5 year old picked out and my husband gave me, it just reminds me, once again, that I am overweight and too big to be beautiful in his eyes. Perhaps if I were smaller he would think I was pretty. No, I KNOW that if I were smaller he would think I was pretty.
So, Valentine's Day is hard for me. People think that if you have a spouse, or someone to love, then Valentine's Day is a beautiful thing. And, in some ways it is. I have a beautiful daughter and a husband who LOVES me. I have no doubt that he loves me. But today is a reminder that he doesn't think I'm pretty and it's because I'm overweight. And that is hard to deal with. Sometimes it makes me want to stuff my face with food. Today it makes me want to starve myself. Neither is a healthy option. I hate that the healthy option is to feed my body what it needs, and starve the cravings and emotional wants. I just want to be free from this battle! But I'm not. So I can keep fighting, or I can surrender. If I surrender, I will never be beautiful. I will never get roses. I will never be seen as pretty by the man I love. So... I keep fighting. Sometimes I lose a skirmish here and there, but in the end I hope to win the battle.
1 comment:
Ummm, yeah, I could sort of tell that you were more than just down with a cold yesterday. Self talk is such a dangerous thing.
To put it bluntly, and full of a bit of what might seem like "psycho-babble," the fact that your husband doesn't think you are pretty because you aren't as skinny as you once were is really more his problem than yours. I know it doesn't feel that way, and you may have some pride issues about wanting him in particular to think of you as attractive. But I've given this some thought. Honestly.
I have a chunky child, and it does not make me think he is unattractive because he is overweight. The love I have for him sees a wonderful thing when I look at him, even though my mind knows that there is something amiss in his body size. So I don't buy it that weight has to make a person "unattractive" in the eyes of those who love them. The love covers it all.
And I believe you that your husband loves you. I'm certain he must for lots and lots of reasons.
It might, however, mean that he has put weight as an idol in his world. Perhaps due to his overweight and overbearing mother, and connecting the weight to her personality traits - it would not be healthy for his wife to treat him in the over protective, bossy way his mother does, and if associates "fat women" with that bossy manner, it might be his is mistaking his own fears of being under the thumb of a woman like his mother for a sense of you being unattractive.
Just my 2 cents worth of non-professional psycho analysis of someone I barely know. But heck, maybe it will give you a little bit of a laugh.
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