Wrapping up another year...

Well, I looked back at where I was a year ago...

My word for the year was OVERCOME.

I wanted to lose 30 lbs.

Here I am just about a year later, and I'm pretty sure I have more than 30 lbs to lose now. Hmmm... That didn't work like I'd hoped, did it?

I did overcome a lot of things this past year, like hormone issues, some scheduling / overcommitment issues, and some other things I can't think of at this particular moment. But when it comes to a lot of the areas I struggle with, I'm learning that overcoming isn't as big if it isn't accompanied by discipline. So this year my word for the year is...

DISCIPLINE

It's a word that's been on my heart and mind for a while now. And, I've been making progress toward it. Waking up, getting up, spending time in the Word, reading / listening to the scrolls, doing my 6 MIT each day. Of course, making progress is not the same as mastering, so I still have a LONG way to go. I'm hoping 2011 is the year of discipline.

I found a few definitions for discipline that I particularly like in light of choosing this word for 2011. They are:

1. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill.

2. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.

3. orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior

So, I suppose the question is... for definition #1, what is the skill I want to develop or improve? I've tried making it about the weight, and that obviously isn't working for me. So what do I REALLY want to improve? What behaviors and patterns of behavior do I want to see in my life?

When it comes to food, I find myself making poor choices, often as a result of unbalanced emotions. I buy things because they sound good (and are on sale! So of course, I have to buy 5 of them...) and then eat them because they're there. Really, I tend to eat things because they're there. So perhaps one skill I want to work on this year is discipline in my shopping habits.

1. DISCIPLINE in my shopping habits.

But how do I do that? Well, I suppose first off is by keeping and FOLLOWING a grocery list. And creating some rules. If it's not on the list, don't buy it. I can add it to the list when I get home if I want, but I have to wait until the next time I go to the store to buy it. I suppose another area in which I ought to discipline my shopping habits is to follow a budget.

Once I've got items in my house that are generally acceptable to eat (and not just the result of a buying binge), I need to ask myself why I am eating. Is it because I need to? Is it because I'm stressed? Is it because I'm craving something?

2. DISCIPLINE myself to think before I act.

This is going to be a hard one. I think thinking before I eat includes planning meals. I've been doing this, and it definitely helps, but only if I actually start dinner earlier in the day. If I wait until dinner time to start dinner I just snack on junk. So one rule I could implement is... Plan the meal before I eat it. Decide ahead of time what I am going to have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Thinking my day through will help.

3. DISCIPLINE myself to enjoy the food I'm eating.

I think one of the reasons I eat as much as I do is that I am not actually thinking about and enjoying the food I'm eating. I'm thinking about other things, or watching TV, or trying to eat and do something else at the same time. If I actually sit down and enjoy the food I'm eating, perhaps I wouldn't want more when I was finished eating. Perhaps the code of conduct I ought to follow is... Enjoy what I've been given.

Okay. That gives me 3 things to strive for. Discipline in my shopping, thinking, and focus, especially where it concerns food.

Rebellion and Structure...

Why do I rebel against structure? This is a constant struggle for me and I find myself frustrated by it. I know that self-discipline and structure will help me achieve my goals, so why do I resist so much? It affects my every day... how much I get accomplished, how much sleep I get, how healthy I am, how well I parent... Everything! My day is full of resistance...

I resist getting up in the morning.

I resist reading my Bible.

I resist doing my daily coaching work.

I resist taking my pill.

I resist eating a healthy breakfast.

I resist taking a shower.

I resist emptying the dishwasher.

I resist doing a load of laundry.

I resist making my bed and teaching Eliana how to make hers.

I resist doing my work early in the day.

I resist exercising.

I resist cleaning the house.

I resist planning meals.

I resist eating a healthy lunch.

I resist making dinner.

I resist making business calls.

I resist loading the dishwasher.

I resist putting Eliana to bed.

I resist washing my face.

I resist picking out my clothes for the next day.

I resist going to bed at a decent time.

The truth is that with a little routine, a little structure, and a little self-discipline, my life would run a WHOLE lot smoother. And yet I can't seem to be able to do it. It can't be THAT hard, can it? What is my issue?

I have learned that my schedule has to be flexible. I don't get up at the same time every day, nor do I have the same schedule every day. So I don't expect myself to adhere to a strict timeline each day, but is it so hard to get things done early in the day so my house is not a mess and I am taken care of? What if I...

Woke up

Read my coaching reading

Read my Bible

Took my pill

Got up

Made my bed

Took a shower

Got ready

Started a load of laundry

Ate breakfast (a healthy breakfast)

Emptied the dishwasher

Moved laundry to the dryer

Started dinner (or at least got things thawing / crock pot / set out)

Ate lunch

Read my coaching reading

Read my Bible

Exercised

Worked

Spent time with Eliana

Made dinner

Cleaned up dinner and loaded the dishwasher

Made business calls

Put Eliana to bed

Washed my face

Put out my clothes for tomorrow

Got into bed

Read my coaching reading

Read my Bible

Went to sleep

Would that really be so difficult?

And what about what I am putting into my body? I have gotten into an awful habit of eating out fast food lately. I make poor choices at home. I don't plan ahead. I don't plan meals. I have not been eating well and it makes me feel sluggish and unattractive. What would happen if I...

Stopped watching TV?

Walked / Exercised 30 minutes a day?

Cut artificial sweetener out of my diet?

Cut white sugar out of my diet?

Ate more whole foods?

Ate more fruits and vegetables?

Took my vitamins?

Drank water?

Planned my meals?

Stopped eating impulsively?

Would I lose weight? Probably. Would I feel better? Definitely. So why don't I? Good question...

These are the things I'm pondering today.

*ahem*

Today, I begin a new day.

Today I can choose to form new habits or conform to the old ones. Today I can make better choices than yesterday. Today I can start anew, if I choose to.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

I will choose to love not only those around me, but I will choose to love myself. My thoughts will be loving thoughts, my self corrections loving ones. I will love myself by the foods I put into my body, the effort I expend with my body, and the time I take to care for what God has given me.

I will live this day as my last.

I will live this day as if it were the only day, forgetting what has passed, ignoring what may come. I will not kick myself for what I ate yesterday, for I cannot change that now. I will not worry about whether I will be able to maintain my new habits tomorrow, for who knows what tomorrow will bring? I cannot change tomorrow today, nor can I change yesterday. The only day I can change is the one I am living now, so I will make choices today worthy of being the last choices I ever make.

I am doing some life coaching these days, and one of the things we are doing is reading the scrolls by Og Mandino. While they are not scriptural, there are some very good bits of truth in them, ones that support what scripture has to say and help me keep perspective on things.

I am not "dieting" right now. To update you on what is going on in our little world, we are moving out of our house somewhat unexpectedly in 8 days. We are still in the process of looking for a new place to live (hoping that one lead in particular pans out) and packing and all that fun stuff. On top of that, I have 2 Holiday Shows for Mary Kay this week (tomorrow and Thursday nights) that are keeping me busy. I am having to rethink my holiday season, since I had several open houses at my house planned in the next few weeks - not any more! There are a lot of things going on beyond those, too, but those are just the big things. =D

SO... I am not concentrating on exercise or calorie counting right now. BUT I am choosing to live today as my last, greet the day with love in my heart, and begin a new day today. And those things are going to help me make better choices when it comes to idleness and food intake.

This morning for breakfast I chose to eat cut up strawberries and apples, bathed in vanilla yogurt, sprinkled with some pumkin-flax seed granola. It was delicious! Filling! and not too bad for me! ;)

I stepped on it.

I have been avoiding the scale this week, especially since the eating and calorie counting have been going so well. What if I step on it and it says I haven't lost anything? What if it says I weigh more? What if it says I have lost a little weight? Really, what is on the scale is just a number and doesn't mean a whole lot in contrast to a healthier body and a healthier lifestyle. But I stepped on it anyway. Wanna know what it said? 2 lbs less than it said Monday. It's just a number, and it shouldn't make me so giddy, but it does. Hooray for lost poundage!

Rats! It's math time again...

Hmph. The problem with counting calories is that it's all based on math. How am I supposed to come up with a realistic goal without doing math? How am I supposed to reach my goal without doing math? So... math it is.

140 lbs.

I need to lose... well, ideally I want to lose 30-35 of that. But we'll just start with, say, 10%, which is 14 lbs. Yeah, let's start with 14 lbs. That seems reasonable.

I want to lose 14 lbs, which means I need to rid myself of... 49,000 calories. (Sheesh! That's a lot!)

If I've BEEN eating about 1800 calories a day (which is probably low, in all honesty), then I can save 500 calories a day just by sticking to 1200-1300 calories daily. At that rate it will take me 98 days to lose 14 lbs, or 14 weeks. Or 1 lb a week. That's reasonable, but I think I can do just a smidge better, with a little exercise.

So... add in some moderate exercise, say, burning 200 calories 5 days a week through exercise, and I should lose that a little faster. Hmmm...

500 calories x 7 days a week = 3500 calories

200 calories x 5 days a week = 1000 calories

At that rate, it will take me just shy of 11 weeks to lose 14 lbs.

If I up that to 300 calories burned 5 days a week, that's 1500 calories a week burned through exercise.

At that rate it will take me just shy of 10 weeks to lose 14 lbs, and I'll be losing just under a lb and a half a week. That seems reasonable. So... 10 weeks. Hmph.

10 weeks from now is... November 29th. I could be 126 lbs by November 29th.

I'll give that a shot.

Food Rules

I'm reading a book called "Food Rules" by Michael Pollan. It's an eater's manual full of rules that, if you follow them, will have you eating foods that are much better for you than the synthetic stuff most of us eat on a regular basis.

Now, I am a huge fan of Splenda, as I like to cheat my way out of calories without losing the sweet things I love. But I am wondering if what I have been doing is really just that... cheating. So... I'm considering following some of these food rules. Who knows, maybe it will make a difference.

So... here I am. I am 140 lbs. That's the biggest I've ever been, save when I was pregnant. I am dissatisfied with my weight. I am dissatisfied with my body. I want my outside to reflect who I am inside, and I don't think it does right now. But, it turns out that wallowing in self pity really only makes you want comfort food more, not less, and doesn't do a thing to help the predicament you're in.

So... I'm going to attempt to drag myself out of this pit I've dug. I'm scared to try, because I'm so tired of failing. Sometimes it's easier to just lay at the bottom of the hole instead of trying to start climbing out of it. But I'm dusting myself off today, and starting the climb. I don't know how far I'll make it, but I've got my first hold on the dirty face of my hole and I'm starting the climb. This morning's climb began with oatmeal and 2 cups of black coffee. Now, I'm not saying that the coffee is the best for me, or that the oatmeal I chose was 100% natural, but it's better than, say, a cinnamon roll or nothing at all.

I saw a friend yesterday whom I haven't seen since April. She looks fabulous. She's lost 20 lbs since I saw her last. I asked her how she did it... calorie counting and exercise. Huh, exactly what has worked for me in the past. So... I'm inspired to go back to calorie counting. This time, though, I'm going to try to calorie count while eating mostly whole foods. I'm going to work at not cheating myself out of calories by turning to synthetics. I'm going to work at eating better foods instead of just less food.

SO.... this week's challenge? Get back on SparkPeople. Start tracking calories again. Aim for 12-1300 a day. And go for whole foods. The rules I'm trying to follow?

1. Don't eat anything my great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food.

2. Don't eat anything containing ingredients no ordinary human would keep in the pantry.

3. Don't eat anything containing high fructose corn syrup.

4. Don't eat anything with sugar listed in the first 3 ingredients.

That's what I'm striving toward. So far, I'm not doing too badly. The oatmeal I chose for breakfast could be better. We have some Wheat Montana oats, so once I finish the small box of oats I have been eating, I'll switch over to Wheat Montana. That will be good. I'm hoping that going through this book will transform what the inside of our pantry looks like, which will change the foods we eat on a daily basis.

Here it goes. I'm scared, but it's time to climb. I'm tired of being at the bottom of the hole.

Aerial Dance Fabric Work

Here's a video of some of the fabric work we did at Aerial Dance last week. It is by far the hardest thing I've had to do in Aerial Dance so far, and took the most strength. It also took the most trust to just let go and drop! It might also have been the most painful thing I've done so far, and I still have bruises a week later from it! It was so worth it, though!! I am loving Aerial Dance, and i'm loving that I am actually stronger now than I was a year ago. I have confidence and skills I didn't have a year ago. I know my body better, and I can feel confident in pushing myself farther, knowing that I can do it! When we started doing fabric a few months ago, I hated it. It is HARD. I didn't have the strength to climb the fabric, and I didn't want to work to get that strength. A few weeks ago I actually climbed to the top of the fabric, though, and that was HUGE for me! I was SO EXCITED! Now, having done this move, I am even more excited to learn more about fabric. It feels like a new challenge, and I am excited to conquer it!!