eeeeEEEEEK!

That's an excited squeal. Because when I weighed this morning I was at 114.6!! That's under 115!! That's a new low number for me!!! =D

I still haven't decided on my "content" weight. I am happy at 115, but I think it's the upper end of where I'm happy, so I will still work toward 110 so I have a little wiggle room in my contentment window. =D Because right now I am not happy with my weight if I gain 2 lbs, which is easy to do in daily weight fluctuations. If I fluctuated between 110 and 112 I'd still be happy, where I'm not between 115 and 117, so I think I'll still aim for 110, at least right now. But I'm not going to pursue it like I have in the past, with counting every calorie, etc. I'm going to work on my moderation and making healthy choices.

Contentment?

I have a number in my head, a goal that I have been working toward. That number is 110, about 5 lbs from where I am now. And yet I can't seem to get past 115, nor can I seem to find the motivation to get past 115. And so it makes my wonder why.

Is it because I am content at 115?

I admit that I am happy with how I look at this weight. It is within the healthy range for my height and frame, and I feel attractive. So why isn't this my goal weight?

I think a large part of it is because I want to "one-up" a friend from college who is at 115 and happy there. I want to beat her weight, just to prove that I can. I was always just a tad smaller than her in college and I want to be there again. Somehow I feel that that will "redeem" me for being overweight the last 7 years. She made a comment once that hurt and stuck with me, and I just want to prove that I'm not the "big" one of the group any longer. But I don't think that's a healthy reason for wanting to get down to 110. Something I need to deal with? Yes. Something I need to use as motivation for weight loss? No.

Part of my reason for wanting to be 110 is because it is one step closer to the weight I was when I got married. If I can get down to 110 I can get down to 105, and that's what I weighed when I wore my beautiful wedding dress. I would love to get down to that size again!

Part of my reason, too, is that I feel like I ought to be the "ideal" weight for my height and frame, according to the doctor's charts. And for 5 feet tall, small frame, that is 100 lbs. So I just keep setting my goal 5 lbs lower each time I reach it in hopes that someday I will be down to 100 lbs again. Then I would be not just average, but small. And oh, I do miss being small!

So I guess what I need to figure out is if I really need to strive to be smaller, or if I should simply strive for daily moderation and healthy living and be content with my weight and size. I guess I need to rethink my reasons behind wanting to lose weight and make sure that they are honorable and right. At what point do I start trying to maintain my weight instead of lose it?

New Plan...

... perhaps....

I have a fear that if I start a new plan and get my hopes up for losing weight by my birthday that I will have a huge gain tomorrow and my hopes will be dashed, just like they were last time. It always seems to work out that way at least...

But here's what I'm thinking. Tomorrow is September 1, which leaves me 21 days until my birthday. 3 weeks. I need to lose 5 lbs in those 3 weeks to make it to 110. I should be able to do it, technically, if I make a plan and stick to it.

So what's the plan? Well, I don't know. But it should involve some exercise, some water, some culinary moderation, and some housework. So I should probably put it into action right now and get on with the housework. And drink some water. That would be a good place to start.

Magic?

Somehow I weigh 115.8 today. Could it be... magic? Pretty sure it isn't my plan of action for Labor Day weekend because, well, I don't have one. =D But this is certainly encouraging me to make good decisions! Of course, Leif took the camera with him hiking today, so I don't have a picture of the scale, but you'll have to take my word (and giddy glee!) for it and believe that it is true. =D

Comfort Food

With the dreary weather today I really wanted comfort food for dinner. I also wanted something quick and easy, so I tried a new twist on an old favorite:

GRILLED CHEESE AND TOMATO SOUP

I love the combination of these two foods! Very comforting and very filling! And the twist is that I used the grilled cheese recipe from Deceptively Delicious. Which means my grilled "cheese" was more like 2 parts sweet potato puree and one part cheese. Much healthier! And to make it even better I added 1/2 C. carrot puree to our tomato soup (and some fresh basil from the garden) so our dinner was both vegetable heavy AND comfort food!! And it turned out really good!

116.8 Today...

... and that's progress from 117.8 yesterday, so I'll take it!!

Still not doing terribly well with eating, exercising, or drinking water, but my attitude is at least better and I'm not feeling like a fat cow any longer. Hurrah!

And at least I knew I WASN'T a fat cow, even when I felt like one, and that's an improvement from what it would have been a few years ago, so I'll just call it improvement all around!

117.8

That's where I was this morning. I've been having a hard time remembering to weigh myself, which is probably just as good since I know I haven't been eating well or exercising. In fact, I'm drinking a coke right now even though I know I shouldn't be. I should be drinking water. But I'm not.

The good news is that I AM getting some cleaning done in my craft room. =D That is always a good thing!!