Commitment....

I've been about as committed to losing weight and living an active, healthy life as I have about blogging it.

My efforts have been sporadic at best, and I will start my days with the best of intentions on the food front, only to find myself with a handful of skittles as I'm headed to bed a 10:30.

As I said before, I've been contemplating joining a gym, despite the additional cost of doing so. But I've come to a realization this last week... If I am not committed to doing it at home with the equipment I have here, what makes me think I am going to be committed to going someplace else and working out?

The bottom line is that if it's really important to me I will make it a priority and let go of all the excuses I let get in my way. And I do have a LOT of excuses. But the fact that I keep using them tells me that I have NOT made weight loss and healthy living a priority, so if I want to make a change, it's not the workout location that ought to change, but my attitude and commitment level towards this goal of mine.

And if it's not a goal of mine right now, then I need to take it off the table and quit putting mental energy towards it.

So... what is it going to take for me to be committed?? A deadline? An exercise plan? An eating plan? A support group? Therapy?? (Ha ha! Okay, I was just kidding on that last one.) What am I afraid of? A lot of the things I learned at Career Conference apply to all areas of my life, including this one. "Do what scares you, and then it won't." What am I afraid of? Exercising and being uncomfortable doing it? Setting a goal and failing at it? Being called fat at the family reunion? (Oh yes, this last one is true!!) If it's about failing at my goal, then I just need to remember that "Attitude + Action = Achievement" If I put for the effort, with the right attitude, then I can let go of the results, because I have done what I need to. Let go of the number on the scale and just do what I said I would do. I need to be a "Woman of my Word" and follow through when I set a goal! If I say that I'm going to drink 2 liters of water today, I need to drink 2 liters of water today. Period. I must be true to my word, even if my word is only to myself. I must recommit daily, not just commit today and think that I will feel the same way in a week, forcing myself to live out a commitment I made a while back and forgot about. I need to make sure I am committed TODAY. Every day. And if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well, with all my heart. I don't have to exercise 24/7, but if I say I'm going to exercise for 30 minutes, I need to give it my absolute ALL for those 30 minutes. I need to be true to my word, not trying to cut corners.

I have not been committed to weight loss. But I think it's time I am.

And I'll admit, committing to weight loss scares me, because what if I fail? What if I don't make it? What if my grandmother calls me fat?!

But if I do what scares me, then it will stop scaring me. So I'm going to commit. I am committed. Not to you, or to the scale, or to my grandmother, but I am committed TO ME, for me, to do what I say I am going to do when it comes to eating right and exercising and doing what I know I need to do in order to lose the weight.

So here it is, my commitment...

I, Elizabeth Wickland, am committed to being a woman of my word. I am committed NOT to set a goal until I am willing to give it my all to achieve it. An when I do set a goal, I commit to myself to do what needs to be done to accomplish that goal.

Standing in my way

Who is standing in your way?

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

This quote was in my email today, from Spark People. When it comes to weight loss, I am almost always the one standing in my own way! So this year I am going to work to do my best. I'm going to try to keep smart systems in place, have the right attitude, and keep going no matter what!

Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves.

- Robert Frost

She gets what I don't....

I read a blog post by one of the MT Spark Team members today. I think she gets something that I don't. Read on...

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I had my first real struggle with my lifestyle change after being a Spark member for 8 months. Why did it take 8 months to really start struggling? I gained 5 pounds in as many weeks.

I realized that I let too many things get in the way of my workout routine. Instead of telling myself I could spare just 15 minutes every morning, I told myself I had too much to do first but would get to it later. Guess what? Later never happened. I went from walking an average of 5 miles a day to barely walking one mile.

Something else I learned, or actually was reminded of, was the less I exercised the more I wanted to snack. The more I wanted to snack, the less water I wanted to drink. I found myself starting to slip back into old and bad habits. No wonder I gained.

This is a new week and a new beginning. My new year's resolution is to be more consistent with my workouts even if it means I have to get up an hour earlier every mornig. And I started today. Why wait for the new year? There's no better time than right now.

I wish you all a HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2009!

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Here's what I often fail to recognize... choices have consequences. If I don't exercise, I tend to snack more. If I tend to snack more, I don't want to drink as much. Bad choices, bad consequences. It has a domino effect and I often don't recognize that.

Last night I sat down and wrote out what my ideal schedule for a day would be. I'm not convinced that it's perfect yet, because there are things I'd like to do in there that aren't there yet. I just have to figure out how to factor Eliana in without sitting her in front of the TV for the whole time I want to do something without her. So... working on that. But what I realized in making my plan is that if I don't do the exercise first thing in the morning, I won't do it. It just won't happen. And when I don't exercise, well... it all goes downhill from there.

So it looks like I'm not just going to have to add some exercise in and take some calories out. I'm actually going to have to change my schedule (wake up in the morning! Ack!) and change my way of thinking. That will be a BIG challenge for me. I would appreciate any prayer and encouragement you can send my way!

Team Leader...

Once upon a time I joined Spark People. I love Spark People. I can use it to track my calories and my exercise and have some sort of accountability with people encouraging me along the way. When I am using it, it's great! Unfortunately, I get busy and then I don't even get on there for weeks or months. I just sort of disappear until I decide that I'm fat again and go back to tracking on Spark People.

I go through periods of high activity on Spark People, followed by valleys of absence. It's not a good pattern, but it's one that I follow and have followed since I first joined. It's sort of my pattern in life.

Well, during one of those periods of high activity, I was one of the more active members of the Montana Spark Team. It's a message board and I was on it a few times a week. Well... the team leader at the time decided to make me and another person team leaders, too, since we were the most active team members. I found this out after I had already been made a team leader, but it didn't particularly seem important at the time.

Ups and downs, ups and downs... fast forward to a busy fall and subsequent absence from Spark People followed by a desire to lose weight by the end of the year (which didn't happen, by the way). I returned to Spark People in November and signed into the Montana team only to discover that the other two team leaders were gone! So... I don't know how long the team went without a leader (since I was absent), but that left me as the sole leader for the team. Poor team.

Then, in December I got an email from Spark People saying that they are revamping the state teams and that our team (being the bigger of the two Montana teams, by just a few members) would be the official Montana State Spark Team and that all Spark People members who live in MT would now become a part of our Spark Team. The Spark Team that I am leader of!! New changes, lots of new team members....

Suddenly I'm thinking that I'm in WAAAAY over my head. And then I realized that if I work at being a good team leader, I will also feel like I have to be an example. And I will also have to get on Spark People a little more regularly. And perhaps that would be a good thing for me.

So, I'm not working on losing weight right at this moment. I think I need to step back and refocus first. Make a plan. Figure out how to stick to it. And perhaps make it a priority this time, as I think that's where I get fouled up.

Tuesday night at Mary Kay we're talking about goal setting and spending the time making goals for the new year and working out a plan to accomplish those goals. I've already done that for my Mary Kay business, but I need to do it for my personal life and weight loss, so maybe I'll use the time there to do that instead.

I keep saying I need to make a change, and the desire is there, but it boils down to time management. And I haven't really been managing my time at all. I just watch it slip away and at 1am I am kicking myself because I haven't exercised yet. So, make a plan. Make a plan. Make a plan. that's what I'm going to do.

Contentment?

I have a number in my head, a goal that I have been working toward. That number is 110, about 5 lbs from where I am now. And yet I can't seem to get past 115, nor can I seem to find the motivation to get past 115. And so it makes my wonder why.

Is it because I am content at 115?

I admit that I am happy with how I look at this weight. It is within the healthy range for my height and frame, and I feel attractive. So why isn't this my goal weight?

I think a large part of it is because I want to "one-up" a friend from college who is at 115 and happy there. I want to beat her weight, just to prove that I can. I was always just a tad smaller than her in college and I want to be there again. Somehow I feel that that will "redeem" me for being overweight the last 7 years. She made a comment once that hurt and stuck with me, and I just want to prove that I'm not the "big" one of the group any longer. But I don't think that's a healthy reason for wanting to get down to 110. Something I need to deal with? Yes. Something I need to use as motivation for weight loss? No.

Part of my reason for wanting to be 110 is because it is one step closer to the weight I was when I got married. If I can get down to 110 I can get down to 105, and that's what I weighed when I wore my beautiful wedding dress. I would love to get down to that size again!

Part of my reason, too, is that I feel like I ought to be the "ideal" weight for my height and frame, according to the doctor's charts. And for 5 feet tall, small frame, that is 100 lbs. So I just keep setting my goal 5 lbs lower each time I reach it in hopes that someday I will be down to 100 lbs again. Then I would be not just average, but small. And oh, I do miss being small!

So I guess what I need to figure out is if I really need to strive to be smaller, or if I should simply strive for daily moderation and healthy living and be content with my weight and size. I guess I need to rethink my reasons behind wanting to lose weight and make sure that they are honorable and right. At what point do I start trying to maintain my weight instead of lose it?

If I actually make it to my goal....

... of 110 lbs, it will be the first time I've been that small since I gained the weight the year we got married, over 7 years ago. I think I was 105 or so when we got married. Wow. That would be amazing!

I really hope I stay with it this time. I always seem to get to 115 and then peter out. I don't know if I just always stall there and get discouraged, or if I just start to slack off when I get to 115 (of course, that's always a goal weight, so maybe this time will be different since my goal is not 115 but 110 instead.) but I really really really want to make it past that this time. I want to see numbers I haven't seen since I gained them!

Some perspective for today....

I just read back to when I started this blog, in January 2007. Eliana was just 6 months old! And I was 135 lbs with a BMI of 27. A healthy BMI is 25 or lower, and I was officially overweight.

In a year and a half I have lost about 30 lbs, if you count the last 5 lbs I keep losing and regaining. Right now I am down 17 lbs from where I was when I started the blog, and while I have been recording, I have been as low as 114 lbs, or 21 lbs lower than my starting point.

So on those days when I feel discouraged because I'm not making any progress, I need to remember that I HAVE made progress, and lots of it. I now have a BMI of 23, which is not only in the healthy range, but it's in the middle of the range, not on the "just barely" end! I have learned LOTS of healthy habits, and even if I slip away from them for a period of time it is easier and easier to return to them each time I do. I make better choices now than I did a year and a half ago. I have a better idea of proportion and calorie content in foods. Two years ago there is NO WAY I could have gone to the Bite of Bozeman and limited myself to 100 grams of turkey leg. I wouldn't have even been able to estimate what 100 grams is!

And so, while I have not reached perfection, I have made a lot of progress over the last year and a half. And that's what it's about, right? Progress, not perfection... This is a journey and I am trekking along. No matter what the scale is, I am on my way.

I will not eat the bread of idleness.

A Wife of Noble Character

10 ^[c] A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I'm taking one step at a time, and today I will not eat the bread of idleness. I will busy myself with the things I should be doing and face my responsibilities head on. I will use my mouth to pray for others and train my child and not as a portal for food to bury my feelings of shortcoming. His grace is sufficient for me, and today I lean on that grace and not my own strength. And today I will not eat the bread of idleness.